Beyond Superficial Courtship

Chapter 3:Bad Effects

2007-07-26T10:45:00.000+08:00

Betrayal

Have you heard of the joke: “While waiting for the right one, she’s having fun with the wrong one!”

One of the things I regret for not having waited before was that I had two girlfriends. Not that there were anything wrong with any of my past girlfriends, I think any guy would be proud to be related with them. What I’m sorry about is that the girl I’ll really end up marrying won’t be the first to have my heart (so to speak). Actually, there would be many firsts I had deprived my future wife. There will always be someone else in the past, maybe not anymore, but there still someone was. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the past and change it so that I would have saved my self for my future wife. I think she would like that.

I would like it if I was my future wife’s first boyfriend. Of course, it would be hypocritical of me to require such a thing.

I’m not saying it is always harder to accept another person as your future lifetime partner if that person has had a past relationship. But to be honest, it would be nicer if you were first, wouldn’t it? Truth be told, many people bear that opinion.

If we can honestly admit that it would be such a nice treat if we were our future partner’s first, we should also take up the responsibility of saving that same special gift for our future partner. It’s one way of giving yourself wholly to that special somebody.

Of course, if in the end it ends up that your future partner has had past relationships, you shouldn’t feel that bad if you saved yourself for that person; it even makes your gift to that person more special and sweeter; and you shouldn’t mind, if you really loved that other person.

Bad Stewardship

The problem with having a relationship (you know, the one we’re talking about) is that no matter how good the relationship, it can be a distraction, in varying magnitudes.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 says, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband.”

Although we’re not talking about married couples, you must admit, some concerns are similar, in particular, concerns about pleasing partners. Sometimes, it’s not even pleasing our partners, it’s pleasing ourselves through our partners, and that causes a similar division of attention. And it’s not only our attention that’s divided, also our time, energy, effort and interest. And as Christians, we should be good stewards of such limited resources.

Instead of focusing our attention on the salvation of souls and the edification of our brethren, it is divided by the extra care we give our future lifetime partners; instead of occupying our minds with the great things God is doing in our lives and giving Him praise, it is divided by the lingering thoughts of our beloved partner; instead of investing time on God’s Word and growth-inducing activities, it is taken by the romantic moments we spend with our loved one; instead of wearing ourselves out in service to both believers and unbelievers, our energy is spent in sweet times with you know who. Is that a wise way to live?

1 Corinthians 7:35 says, “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:15-17 says, “Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”

Many people don’t realize that singlehood is a special opportunity that may never occur in a person’s life again. A single person can get married anytime he/she likes. Anyone can get married, if they lower their standards enough (but why would you settle for less?). But a married person has no right to live as if he/she is single while his/her family is still alive. Marriage brings with it countless responsibilities which a single person is spared of. And that is an opportunity to be taken advantage of, but unfortunately sometimes wasted. As we read in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, single people usually have less responsibilities than married people, and that is an opportunity we should make the most of. There is so much to gain in investing our time, energy, effort and attention to God, rather than focusing it on a person we’re not sure of. And the truth is, if we really admit it, we’re really not sure yet, until the day comes. We must understand God’s will on how He wants us to use these limited resources he gives us.

When he was single, John Fischer said, “I have a feeling that a single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again. He will ask himself, ‘Why didn’t I use that time, when I didn’t have so many obligations, to serve the Lord? Why didn’t I give myself totally to Him then?’”

A single person is free to do what he/she wants, his/her time is flexible, and he/she can focus on other things apart from family, easily. A friend and I often remark that we wouldn’t be able to do the things we do if we had girlfriends.

Instead of wasting time being with somebody you can’t be really sure of yet, or trying to look for the right one, you can invest your time and resources on more important matters. As someone said in Joshua Harris’ book, “Don’t do something about your singlehood – do something with it!”

Courtship not only distracts you from your relationship with God, but even with your life in general. How many times have I seen my students fail classes or underachieve in terms of their grades, because they consume too much time in fruitless activities with their partners. And that will have serious consequences when they start looking for work. Their employment may become limited because of the misuse of their time while younger. And that is such a waste! Because your time and attention are divided with that special someone, you neglect other seemingly mundane but actually more important tasks that you will need in the future. And when it turns out that that relationship for forever isn’t actually forever, you’ll regret the time and opportunities that passed you by. But by that time, all you can do is live with the consequences. So why not spare yourself from all that for a better future!

It also distracts you from your other relationships. Because, of course, you have to give some of your time to your partner, you have less time for your family, spending time with your other friends, seeking the lost, edifying brethren, learning from others.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…” We don’t need to rush into a future-marriage relationship. There will be a time for that. Maximize the use of the situation God has put us in now. As a song says, “He makes all things beautiful, in His time.”

Artificial Environment

When a guy courts a girl, he would want the girl to like her. So, more often than not, when with the girl, the guy is in his best behavior, so the girl would like her. And if the girl likes the guy, she too will be in her best behavior, so as not to turn off the guy. And after a few months of courtship, seeing that the other person is good, having a false basis of attraction, they officially become partners. But how long can you “fake” it? It’s like tensing a muscle. You can pretend to be a person that that other person likes, but eventually the truth will leak out. And when the guy and the girl are officially together, the tensed muscle relaxes, and their real colors start to show. And thus the arguments start. And eventually they realize they really don’t like each other and they break up.

An artificial environment can be easily created in courtship. Dates can be easily manipulated so that a person can appear more likeable than he/she really is. It’s not so hard to pretend and wear a mask each time you’re together, when the time frame is very small, but when the time frame becomes “till death do us part”, no one can fake it that long. People can get tired going out of their way just to please another if that’s not really who they are. My point is, you really can’t learn much about another person in a courtship environment. How much can you really know about another person while holding their hands watching a movie? You won’t know how responsible the other person is by just talking with him/her. Talk is cheap. You won’t know how patient or nice or wise he/she is by just spending fun times with each other.

If you truly want to know the person, observe that person in real life situations. How does that person handle difficulties? What is that person doing to improve himself / herself? How is that person at work? Or with his / her friends? What does that person do with his / her Christianity? How does that person live his / her life? And although these can also be faked, they can only be faked for a time, so longer time frames will show consistency. Thus, learning about the person for an extended period of time (or performing reasonable background checks such as asking people who are around that person who have integrity) will give you a better idea of a person’s character rather than the limited point of view a dating environment fosters.

Somebody once told me about a person who runs from one pursuit to another, that this suggestion of mine would not be applicable. But even time would show that that person is inconsistent, and that would be the person’s character flaw.

Even when a person is imperfect, as we all tend to be, a person’s improvement can still be observed when traced over a considerable time frame, and this improvement is what is consistent about that person.

It is the artificial and superficial environment a courtship setup fosters which I despise most about it. Base your conclusions about a person on how that person deals with real life situations, not with what that person shows you in a limited time. You can get caught up with the emotion that is brought about by a relationship with someone you only recently know, but realize that the basis of the emotions could just as well be faked by the other person. Wait, and get to know the other person in real life situations.

- A.L.E. -

Chapter 2: Misconceptions

2007-06-15T12:47:00.000+08:00

“I can’t believe you,” I said, letting the tone of my voice convey my disapproval. “You mean you and Gloria had… you had… I mean you slept together?”

Jeff could tell I wasn’t pleased. He wanted me to be impressed, to slap him on the back like one of his football teammates in the locker room and praise him for his “exploit.” I wanted to slap him all right, but not on the back.

“Look, Josh,” he said defensively, “we’ve waited a long time for this. It was really special. Maybe it doesn’t meet your morals, but we felt that it was the right time to show our love.”

“My morals?” I said indignantly. “My morals? Since when were they mine? How many times have we talked about this? With each other? At church? Jeff, you know that wasn’t right. You…”

“We love each other,” Jeff said, cutting me off in mid-sentence. “If you ever really fall in love, then you’ll understand.”

… Four years later, Jeff was going to college in Michigan. “I’m engaged!” he told me over the phone. “Debbie is incredible. I’ve never been so in love.”

“That’s great,” I said. My congratulations sounded hollow. I couldn’t help it. I was thinking of Gloria. I hadn’t seen her for a long time. What was she now? Three or four girlfriends back? Love, huh?

- Joshua Harris, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, p.56

Love, huh?

The problem with us is we frequently assume we know things. The truth of the matter is there is so much we don’t understand. We easily assume and pretend that we know what love is, when the truth is we don’t really understand what it is.

With false pretenses, we go about thinking about and using the word love, when the truth is, we have the wrong idea about what love is.

Did a girl love a guy when she was willing to dump him when she found a better guy? Is it love that motivates a guy when all his actions are for his self, his needs and his wants?

We’ve heard the line, “If you loved me, you’ll do it with me.” What that guy really means is, “I love me. You should love me too. You should gratify my desires and serve me. It doesn’t matter what the consequences will be in your life. I don’t care about you. I only care about me.”

Society interchanges the word love and sex like they had the same meaning. They use the term “make love” for sex.

We do not learn love by having several short-term, or even long-term, relationships.

But if we don’t “try out” having relationships, how can we learn about love? We learn it through God’s Word.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

In Love with Love

Oftentimes, because of the influence of this world, we become so “in love”. With love songs reminding us of someone specific, romance novels sending tingles in our spine, movies and TV shows making us wish those things happened to us, and the playful urgings from our friends, it’s so easy to be filled with giddy feelings. We can’t sleep, daily living becomes mundane, eating alone becomes so lonely, we can’t take our minds away from thinking about that other person. We want to spend so much time with that other person, we read and reread all his/her letters, stare at his/her picture as we drift through imaginary bliss. It’s all so exciting and romantic!

But oftentimes, that’s all that is. Imagination. We’re not necessarily in love with that other person, we’re just in love with love. We’re in love with the thought of being in love; we set up fictitious situations and create an inaccurate personality, character and behavior of the other person. We fall in love with a person we have created in our imagination, that’s why when we finally get to know the other person, we get disappointed. Sometimes, we insist on putting the mask we have created on the other person, and in the process, choosing to ignore the truth that does not conform to our fantasies.

Love is not a Feeling

People often base their “love” on feelings. They say they’re in love when they feel something.

But the Bible does not say that. If you will study 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, love is an action. Love is a verb.

Joshua Harris states it well (in “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, p.63): “Next we’re told love is primarily a feeling. At first glance this seems innocent enough – we often feel love, and this isn’t necessarily wrong. But when we make feelings the litmus test of love, we place ourselves at the center of importance. By themselves, our feelings don’t do others one bit of good. If a man “feels” love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth? They may benefit him, but if his actions don’t communicate this love, his feelings mean nothing.”

Love is not something that just happens, where all of a sudden you feel it. That’s shallow, and that’s not love. Love is something you do. Sometimes, you have to consciously choose to love. Just like sometimes you have to choose to be patient, choose to be not self-seeking, choose to always trust. Love is very deep and pretty difficult to master, not just a matter of feelings and understanding your emotions.

“Falling” in love

The phrase “falling in love” suggests that love is beyond our control; when you’re falling, there’s nothing much you can do about it, except allow yourself to fall. The phrase “madly in love” suggests that love forces us beyond reason; when you become mad (or insane, as the term is used), you’re not expected to act logically, you are out of your mind. It’s saddening that love is compared to an accident and a mental sickness.

These terms become excuses for even wise and well-meaning people to act without responsibility. You can’t do anything about it; you really can’t stop yourself from falling when you’re already falling, and an insane person cannot be held accountable for his actions because of his mental condition that he can’t do anything about. We are led to believe that love is a force that we have no control over.

In a Logical Viewpoint

If you think about it, you can’t trust an “I love you” from a person who believes in the misconceptions I’ve mentioned. Why not? If a person bases his/her love for you on feelings, we have to realize that feelings come and go. If a person always follows his/her emotions, what if that person stops feeling the feelings he/she originally felt? (And believe me, they likely will!) Or worse, what if he/she suddenly feels something for somebody else, maybe even a greater feeling? What would become of your relationship?! Also, if the person can fall in love, doesn’t it mean, he/she can also fall out of love? Or worse, what if he/she falls in love with somebody else? The same way he/she couldn’t stop falling for you, he/she wouldn’t be able to stop him/herself in falling for another. Or what if the one who fell madly in love with you suddenly sobers and starts listening to reason and suddenly realizes that his/her relationship with you was a mistake and he/she would never want to marry you with a clear mind.

Trusting in such things is dangerous! You have to understand that these are not mere phrases, but rather a reflection of a person’s attitude and mindset.

Now, honestly, what about you? Do you bear the same attitude and mindset?

Love is a Verb, Love is a Choice

The world would like us to believe that love is a couple holding hand-in-hand, as they both smile and look at each other so sweetly. But when that fantasy is gone, and we are faced with the harsh realities, do we choose not to be “easily angered”? To always trust? To not be self-seeking? As Christians, we know what love means. A Savior nailed to the cross.

Jesus didn’t necessarily like to be nailed on the cross. Matthew 26:39 tells of Jesus revealing prayer before His arrest: “…My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” He actually had to go against His feelings, and with a completely sober and clear mind choose to love us.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13) Putting someone before you. Placing someone else’s interest before your own. Caring for someone more than you care about yourself. That’s love.

- A.L.E. -

Chapter 1: Challenge Your Beliefs

2007-06-05T21:26:00.000+08:00

Beliefs vs. Truth

Beliefs are relative; truth is absolute. Truth will not adjust itself according to my belief. If I did not believe in gravity, and I jumped off the roof of a fifty-story building, would I not fall to my death? I would! Gravity wouldn’t care if I believed it or not; it still is in effect.

Some people say courtship is a matter of belief. But, we can’t take anybody’s word for it, just like that. You can’t even take my word for it. But there is a Word we cannot dispute. What does the Bible say?

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

When I first became a Christian, I resolved to challenge and test every belief I had, if it was in accordance to the Word of God. And of course, it included any ideas I may have had with regards to courtship.

What does Romans 12:2 say again?

1. We have to be transformed

We have to be changed! How?

2. By the renewing of our minds

We will be changed if we make our minds new again.

How do we do that? If it were possible to wipe our brains clear so that it would be totally empty and then input God’s Word to our blank brains, it would be easy. But of course, we can’t do that. So instead, we test and screen all the contents of our brain, using God’s Word as the filter.

Where did we get all these beliefs, all these present contents of our brain? From this world we live in!

Isn’t that ok? No!

Why not? Because God said so!

3. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world

Why?

“For everything that is in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.” (1 John 1:16)

The Influence of this World

How does the world influence us? One, through media. Our minds are molded so much by television, and it gets disgusting how TV stations feed on this. They manipulate our way of thinking to produce their own consumers, thus creating their own market. They tell us this is the way to live; this is ok; this is cool; this is right; this is acceptable. Shows depict boy-girl relationships as the norm, and participation in sexual actions or in sex itself tolerable, if not gratified.

Movies are certainly no better. Love stories become unrealistically oversimplified. Sex and related gestures are also commonplace.

And let’s not forget the music we hear. We cannot forget the not-so-subtle sexual undertones in the lyrics and their music videos.

How about books. Our minds and emotions can be so easily influenced by romance novels.

And the magazines that are published preach to us how we should live our lives.

Besides media, we cannot discount the influence of the people who surround us in this world, from our friends to anybody we might talk with.

Of course, there are so many influences in this world that affect our belief system that I can’t discuss all of them here. But even after discussing the common ones, it cannot be argued that many of the things we believe or believed in were given to us by this world.

Challenging Your Beliefs

All these influences aren’t necessarily bad. But we have to test each idea we get.

I often research on other beliefs and other religions, to familiarize myself with what other people believe in, making it easier for me to relate with people of other beliefs. But aren’t I afraid that I’ll be won over by their beliefs? No. I do not believe in what I believe in just because I choose to believe in it. I believe in it because it’s the truth. If you can prove to me that the earth is not round, I would believe you and I would forget my old belief. But you can’t disprove the truth; because it is the truth. That’s why I am unafraid to lay my beliefs on the line to be tested. What’s the worst that could happen? If my beliefs are true, they won’t be disproved even after much scrutiny, thus strengthening my belief. If they were untrue, I would be corrected, and lead to the truth. It’s a win-win situation.

I invite you to do the same, if you really believe in what you believe in, lay it on the line and let’s test it. Challenge your beliefs. Only when your beliefs are put through the refining fire can you be lead to the truth.

And what can be gained by doing so? We only need to go back to the verse I mentioned earlier, Romans 12:2. “…Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Overcoming the Viewpoint of the World

“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one that is in the world. They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.” (1 John 4:4-6)

- A.L.E. -

Introduction

2007-05-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

“How do you get married if you don’t date?”

This question was written rather humorously in Joshua Harris’ book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. Although the phrase is no stranger to me.

Having similar beliefs as Joshua Harris, I was encouraged after reading his book. It proved that I was not alone with my beliefs.

I have often been criticized because of these beliefs, questioned by supposedly well-meaning Christians who encourage others, including myself, to adhere to the norms of culture. After several challenges to these beliefs, I have persisted in seeking the truth regarding courtship through the light of God’s Word.

Continuously, I have been hounded by questions from both believers and unbelievers, and I feel that I have been quite adept at answering their questions. But the questions I have found most difficult to answer are those which come from myself, usually from the heart, not because I am ignorant of the answers, rather because my flesh would like to believe otherwise. And that foe can be, at times, very hard to conquer.

I write this for myself, as a continuous reminder, for my heart forgets easily. Also, should anyone be kind enough to read what I have written, I pray that you learn from the lessons I believe God has imparted to me. I am aware that many of the things I will write about will be new to many people, and some may be disagreeable to you, but I hope that you let the light of God’s Word be your basis as you continuously keep your mind open to the ideas and truths, which I pray, will revolutionize not only your mind, but most especially your life, and the lives of those that surround you.

This will not be based on Joshua Harris’ book, although I will be making a number of citations from it.

I did not intend to write so seriously. Harris’ book was written in a light tone, with good reason. It attracts and maintains attention, especially from a younger audience, which is usually a necessity. But besides the length, this being much shorter (at least that’s my target), perhaps that will be the difference between his book and this. I am finding it difficult to write light-heartedly about such a serious and important topic. I hope I’m not boring you (too much), but rest assured, I can’t keep my personality bottled up too long, my humor will eventually leak out.

Also, Harris’ book was set in U.S.’ culture; this will be more Philippinized. For example, Harris uses the term dating, which has a somewhat different connotation in the Philippines. But if you study his book, and place his concepts in a Philippine setting, what Harris is really referring to isn’t just the act of dating, but rather the Filipino mindset of “panliligaw”, the closest English word to the term being courtship.

I have also been inspired to write this by the numerous questions posed to me by fellow Christians, and my college students, about relationships, and my own lifestyle. Maybe someday they will benefit from this, as well as others who have similar questions.

Thanks for having read this far. I hope you read this through, from start to end, before judging it.

God bless you!

- A.L.E. -