Chapter 2:
Misconceptions
“I can’t believe you,” I said, letting the tone of my voice convey my disapproval. “You mean you and Gloria had… you had… I mean you slept together?”
Jeff could tell I wasn’t pleased. He wanted me to be impressed, to slap him on the back like one of his football teammates in the locker room and praise him for his “exploit.” I wanted to slap him all right, but not on the back.
“Look, Josh,” he said defensively, “we’ve waited a long time for this. It was really special. Maybe it doesn’t meet your morals, but we felt that it was the right time to show our love.”
“My morals?” I said indignantly. “My morals? Since when were they mine? How many times have we talked about this? With each other? At church? Jeff, you know that wasn’t right. You…”
“We love each other,” Jeff said, cutting me off in mid-sentence. “If you ever really fall in love, then you’ll understand.”
… Four years later, Jeff was going to college in Michigan. “I’m engaged!” he told me over the phone. “Debbie is incredible. I’ve never been so in love.”
“That’s great,” I said. My congratulations sounded hollow. I couldn’t help it. I was thinking of Gloria. I hadn’t seen her for a long time. What was she now? Three or four girlfriends back? Love, huh?
- Joshua Harris, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, p.56
Love, huh?
The problem with us is we frequently assume we know things. The truth of the matter is there is so much we don’t understand. We easily assume and pretend that we know what love is, when the truth is we don’t really understand what it is.
With false pretenses, we go about thinking about and using the word love, when the truth is, we have the wrong idea about what love is.
Did a girl love a guy when she was willing to dump him when she found a better guy? Is it love that motivates a guy when all his actions are for his self, his needs and his wants?
We’ve heard the line, “If you loved me, you’ll do it with me.” What that guy really means is, “I love me. You should love me too. You should gratify my desires and serve me. It doesn’t matter what the consequences will be in your life. I don’t care about you. I only care about me.”
Society interchanges the word love and sex like they had the same meaning. They use the term “make love” for sex.
We do not learn love by having several short-term, or even long-term, relationships.
But if we don’t “try out” having relationships, how can we learn about love? We learn it through God’s Word.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
In Love with Love
Oftentimes, because of the influence of this world, we become so “in love”. With love songs reminding us of someone specific, romance novels sending tingles in our spine, movies and TV shows making us wish those things happened to us, and the playful urgings from our friends, it’s so easy to be filled with giddy feelings. We can’t sleep, daily living becomes mundane, eating alone becomes so lonely, we can’t take our minds away from thinking about that other person. We want to spend so much time with that other person, we read and reread all his/her letters, stare at his/her picture as we drift through imaginary bliss. It’s all so exciting and romantic!
But oftentimes, that’s all that is. Imagination. We’re not necessarily in love with that other person, we’re just in love with love. We’re in love with the thought of being in love; we set up fictitious situations and create an inaccurate personality, character and behavior of the other person. We fall in love with a person we have created in our imagination, that’s why when we finally get to know the other person, we get disappointed. Sometimes, we insist on putting the mask we have created on the other person, and in the process, choosing to ignore the truth that does not conform to our fantasies.
Love is not a Feeling
People often base their “love” on feelings. They say they’re in love when they feel something.
But the Bible does not say that. If you will study 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, love is an action. Love is a verb.
Joshua Harris states it well (in “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, p.63): “Next we’re told love is primarily a feeling. At first glance this seems innocent enough – we often feel love, and this isn’t necessarily wrong. But when we make feelings the litmus test of love, we place ourselves at the center of importance. By themselves, our feelings don’t do others one bit of good. If a man “feels” love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth? They may benefit him, but if his actions don’t communicate this love, his feelings mean nothing.”
Love is not something that just happens, where all of a sudden you feel it. That’s shallow, and that’s not love. Love is something you do. Sometimes, you have to consciously choose to love. Just like sometimes you have to choose to be patient, choose to be not self-seeking, choose to always trust. Love is very deep and pretty difficult to master, not just a matter of feelings and understanding your emotions.
“Falling” in love
The phrase “falling in love” suggests that love is beyond our control; when you’re falling, there’s nothing much you can do about it, except allow yourself to fall. The phrase “madly in love” suggests that love forces us beyond reason; when you become mad (or insane, as the term is used), you’re not expected to act logically, you are out of your mind. It’s saddening that love is compared to an accident and a mental sickness.
These terms become excuses for even wise and well-meaning people to act without responsibility. You can’t do anything about it; you really can’t stop yourself from falling when you’re already falling, and an insane person cannot be held accountable for his actions because of his mental condition that he can’t do anything about. We are led to believe that love is a force that we have no control over.
In a Logical Viewpoint
If you think about it, you can’t trust an “I love you” from a person who believes in the misconceptions I’ve mentioned. Why not? If a person bases his/her love for you on feelings, we have to realize that feelings come and go. If a person always follows his/her emotions, what if that person stops feeling the feelings he/she originally felt? (And believe me, they likely will!) Or worse, what if he/she suddenly feels something for somebody else, maybe even a greater feeling? What would become of your relationship?! Also, if the person can fall in love, doesn’t it mean, he/she can also fall out of love? Or worse, what if he/she falls in love with somebody else? The same way he/she couldn’t stop falling for you, he/she wouldn’t be able to stop him/herself in falling for another. Or what if the one who fell madly in love with you suddenly sobers and starts listening to reason and suddenly realizes that his/her relationship with you was a mistake and he/she would never want to marry you with a clear mind.
Trusting in such things is dangerous! You have to understand that these are not mere phrases, but rather a reflection of a person’s attitude and mindset.
Now, honestly, what about you? Do you bear the same attitude and mindset?
Love is a Verb, Love is a Choice
The world would like us to believe that love is a couple holding hand-in-hand, as they both smile and look at each other so sweetly. But when that fantasy is gone, and we are faced with the harsh realities, do we choose not to be “easily angered”? To always trust? To not be self-seeking? As Christians, we know what love means. A Savior nailed to the cross.
Jesus didn’t necessarily like to be nailed on the cross. Matthew 26:39 tells of Jesus revealing prayer before His arrest: “…My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” He actually had to go against His feelings, and with a completely sober and clear mind choose to love us.
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13) Putting someone before you. Placing someone else’s interest before your own. Caring for someone more than you care about yourself. That’s love.
- A.L.E. -
