Chapter 3:Bad Effects

Betrayal

Have you heard of the joke: “While waiting for the right one, she’s having fun with the wrong one!”

One of the things I regret for not having waited before was that I had two girlfriends. Not that there were anything wrong with any of my past girlfriends, I think any guy would be proud to be related with them. What I’m sorry about is that the girl I’ll really end up marrying won’t be the first to have my heart (so to speak). Actually, there would be many firsts I had deprived my future wife. There will always be someone else in the past, maybe not anymore, but there still someone was. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the past and change it so that I would have saved my self for my future wife. I think she would like that.

I would like it if I was my future wife’s first boyfriend. Of course, it would be hypocritical of me to require such a thing.

I’m not saying it is always harder to accept another person as your future lifetime partner if that person has had a past relationship. But to be honest, it would be nicer if you were first, wouldn’t it? Truth be told, many people bear that opinion.

If we can honestly admit that it would be such a nice treat if we were our future partner’s first, we should also take up the responsibility of saving that same special gift for our future partner. It’s one way of giving yourself wholly to that special somebody.

Of course, if in the end it ends up that your future partner has had past relationships, you shouldn’t feel that bad if you saved yourself for that person; it even makes your gift to that person more special and sweeter; and you shouldn’t mind, if you really loved that other person.



Bad Stewardship

The problem with having a relationship (you know, the one we’re talking about) is that no matter how good the relationship, it can be a distraction, in varying magnitudes.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 says, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband.”

Although we’re not talking about married couples, you must admit, some concerns are similar, in particular, concerns about pleasing partners. Sometimes, it’s not even pleasing our partners, it’s pleasing ourselves through our partners, and that causes a similar division of attention. And it’s not only our attention that’s divided, also our time, energy, effort and interest. And as Christians, we should be good stewards of such limited resources.

Instead of focusing our attention on the salvation of souls and the edification of our brethren, it is divided by the extra care we give our future lifetime partners; instead of occupying our minds with the great things God is doing in our lives and giving Him praise, it is divided by the lingering thoughts of our beloved partner; instead of investing time on God’s Word and growth-inducing activities, it is taken by the romantic moments we spend with our loved one; instead of wearing ourselves out in service to both believers and unbelievers, our energy is spent in sweet times with you know who. Is that a wise way to live?

1 Corinthians 7:35 says, “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:15-17 says, “Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”

Many people don’t realize that singlehood is a special opportunity that may never occur in a person’s life again. A single person can get married anytime he/she likes. Anyone can get married, if they lower their standards enough (but why would you settle for less?). But a married person has no right to live as if he/she is single while his/her family is still alive. Marriage brings with it countless responsibilities which a single person is spared of. And that is an opportunity to be taken advantage of, but unfortunately sometimes wasted. As we read in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, single people usually have less responsibilities than married people, and that is an opportunity we should make the most of. There is so much to gain in investing our time, energy, effort and attention to God, rather than focusing it on a person we’re not sure of. And the truth is, if we really admit it, we’re really not sure yet, until the day comes. We must understand God’s will on how He wants us to use these limited resources he gives us.

When he was single, John Fischer said, “I have a feeling that a single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again. He will ask himself, ‘Why didn’t I use that time, when I didn’t have so many obligations, to serve the Lord? Why didn’t I give myself totally to Him then?’”

A single person is free to do what he/she wants, his/her time is flexible, and he/she can focus on other things apart from family, easily. A friend and I often remark that we wouldn’t be able to do the things we do if we had girlfriends.

Instead of wasting time being with somebody you can’t be really sure of yet, or trying to look for the right one, you can invest your time and resources on more important matters. As someone said in Joshua Harris’ book, “Don’t do something about your singlehood – do something with it!”

Courtship not only distracts you from your relationship with God, but even with your life in general. How many times have I seen my students fail classes or underachieve in terms of their grades, because they consume too much time in fruitless activities with their partners. And that will have serious consequences when they start looking for work. Their employment may become limited because of the misuse of their time while younger. And that is such a waste! Because your time and attention are divided with that special someone, you neglect other seemingly mundane but actually more important tasks that you will need in the future. And when it turns out that that relationship for forever isn’t actually forever, you’ll regret the time and opportunities that passed you by. But by that time, all you can do is live with the consequences. So why not spare yourself from all that for a better future!

It also distracts you from your other relationships. Because, of course, you have to give some of your time to your partner, you have less time for your family, spending time with your other friends, seeking the lost, edifying brethren, learning from others.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…” We don’t need to rush into a future-marriage relationship. There will be a time for that. Maximize the use of the situation God has put us in now. As a song says, “He makes all things beautiful, in His time.”



Artificial Environment

When a guy courts a girl, he would want the girl to like her. So, more often than not, when with the girl, the guy is in his best behavior, so the girl would like her. And if the girl likes the guy, she too will be in her best behavior, so as not to turn off the guy. And after a few months of courtship, seeing that the other person is good, having a false basis of attraction, they officially become partners. But how long can you “fake” it? It’s like tensing a muscle. You can pretend to be a person that that other person likes, but eventually the truth will leak out. And when the guy and the girl are officially together, the tensed muscle relaxes, and their real colors start to show. And thus the arguments start. And eventually they realize they really don’t like each other and they break up.

An artificial environment can be easily created in courtship. Dates can be easily manipulated so that a person can appear more likeable than he/she really is. It’s not so hard to pretend and wear a mask each time you’re together, when the time frame is very small, but when the time frame becomes “till death do us part”, no one can fake it that long. People can get tired going out of their way just to please another if that’s not really who they are. My point is, you really can’t learn much about another person in a courtship environment. How much can you really know about another person while holding their hands watching a movie? You won’t know how responsible the other person is by just talking with him/her. Talk is cheap. You won’t know how patient or nice or wise he/she is by just spending fun times with each other.

If you truly want to know the person, observe that person in real life situations. How does that person handle difficulties? What is that person doing to improve himself / herself? How is that person at work? Or with his / her friends? What does that person do with his / her Christianity? How does that person live his / her life? And although these can also be faked, they can only be faked for a time, so longer time frames will show consistency. Thus, learning about the person for an extended period of time (or performing reasonable background checks such as asking people who are around that person who have integrity) will give you a better idea of a person’s character rather than the limited point of view a dating environment fosters.

Somebody once told me about a person who runs from one pursuit to another, that this suggestion of mine would not be applicable. But even time would show that that person is inconsistent, and that would be the person’s character flaw.

Even when a person is imperfect, as we all tend to be, a person’s improvement can still be observed when traced over a considerable time frame, and this improvement is what is consistent about that person.

It is the artificial and superficial environment a courtship setup fosters which I despise most about it. Base your conclusions about a person on how that person deals with real life situations, not with what that person shows you in a limited time. You can get caught up with the emotion that is brought about by a relationship with someone you only recently know, but realize that the basis of the emotions could just as well be faked by the other person. Wait, and get to know the other person in real life situations.

- A.L.E. -